I'm lying on my couch, literally watching paint dry. My fiancée, Erica, and I have been picking through paint samples. With our wedding soon approaching and her going to be moving into my home, this paint job will go a long way in making it OUR home. We just made our first big purchase together as a couple in buying a sectional couch earlier in the day, and our paint choice has to go with the new color we got (even though the couch won't be here until October anyway). My mind can't help but daydream at this point.
Over a decade later, I'm with my daydreamed 12-year-old son and we are at the paint store looking at samples to paint his room. We already agreed he would pick out three samples and be able to choose from one of the three to pick his new room color. But like his mom, he just HAS to have one more option to compare. "Here's the thing, son, I'm not painting your room for at least another four years. If you agree to make it five, then I'll let you pick another sample color." His face begins to ponder for a moment, then he stares me down making sure I'm not trying to trick him in anyway before sticking out his hand for me to shake signaling that we have come to a new agreement.
"What're you thinking about?" Erica and I love asking one another this question, and her asking me this now pulls me out of my daydream. I start to chuckle to myself and explain to her how I am daydreaming about making a bargain with our son who hasn't even been conceived yet. She starts to laugh too, and I look back over at the paint samples on the wall.
"This is one of many decisions we are going to be able to make together for the rest of our lives." The weight of that statement hits me as I finish it, Erica and I look at each other before she gives me a hug. I think about how I really get to marry this woman, and how much of a blessing that is.
"I don't deserve any of this." The weight of everything starts to really hit me as my future wife and mother of my children hugs me. I know that I don't deserve this. I start thinking of how much of a blessing she is in my life, how much of a blessing it is to be a homeowner, to have a church family that loves me, parents that have cared for me. Before I know it, I sniffle just a bit to calm myself. Before Erica can finish asking if I'm crying tears well up fully in my eyes as I start to think about all the things I have been through.
I think about all the people I've hurt, all the things I've said, all the pain I've caused. I think about all the situations I could've done more and didn't. I think about all the times I could've been a better brother, son, boyfriend, friend, worker, employee, student, etc.
In the midst of thinking of all these things my heart turns its attention towards God's grace. Now tears are falling and I start to get congested from all the crying. I am truly being overwhelmed at the marvel of God's grace in this moment. I think about how I should've been dead at 19, how empty my life seemed four years ago, and all the things God has been doing. I think about all the times I questioned Him, the times where I even doubted that He was working for my own good. I think about all the other times I wanted something so bad and didn't get it and how disappointed I was.
I'm sitting up on the couch now and I find myself praying aloud thanking God for who He is and the patience He has. I pray for Erica and I's future marriage, our future children, and our families that we will be leaving to cling to one another.
As I finish praying, I take a deep breath to gather myself and through tears all I can say is, "I'm the richest man alive... I can't even count my blessings."
Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13 NLT
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